ALL ALONG

When the past comes knocking , shut that fucking door …

It’s 2 a.m ,I’ve checked my phone about 1000 times since the break up. Hoping her name would light up my screen

She says I’m bipolar but in my eyes I know it’s the fear of being hurt again ,so I self sabotage.

She was sleeping when my curiosity got the best of me ,I opened her phone …I didn’t know expect to find anything but at the same time ,I did. That was an easy way to keep my heart safe from surprises.

I found nothing but I saw someone who made me so insecure and feel so uneasy. I wasn’t mad ,just quiet.

I get up and make something to eat for both of us … she wakes up ,hugs me and takes a bite of the food.

She goes to look at herself in the mirror and I follow her …I place my hands on the sink and trap her in between …I kiss her cheek and I ask her …

At that moment all the good things she did for me go out the window…I become an asshole ,I become assertive and cold…her tears roll down her face and her mascara is coming off slowly.

A big part of me wants to hug her. Her tears were tearing me apart but my ego wouldn’t let me.

The days she listened to me when no one else could handle the weight of an emotional man.

The days I couldn’t stand on my own and she was there to help me up.

The cold nights when she had work in the morning but she still stayed up all night and listen to Muiru overthink his life.

The time we broke up and she still stuck around and tried regardless of me being cold and distant towards her.

The days all we had was each other …(I can’t air out her business) so…

A love built on comfort , understanding and effort.

All erased in a span of a few hours just because our past came knocking and we let it in…insecurity, tears ,alcohol and ego

We are back at our homes now, the conversation on the phone is dry. If someone else was to read it ,it would look like we are trying to water a dead plant .

“I don’t know how I feel about us ,like after the whole fight it feels off” she says …

I try explain my feelings of being unheard and she explains hers of feeling attacked.

We solved it for now …

Our pasts came in between us once again. We said we wouldn’t let it happen again but here we are fighting ghosts that don’t exist.

They came silently , in the

Delayed replies

The overthinking a simple “okay”

Reading messages in tones that weren’t there

In assuming abandonment before it ever happens

Now I’m not arguing with my partner but our memory.

Our argument scared me , I felt unheard and unwanted. It felt like no woman could handle an emotional man as much as they demand it.

Fear was guiding me and insecurity was her light during this dark time.

A 5 minute voice note fueled with anger , fear and our past was all it took to tear us apart completely.

All the beautiful memories could be lost in an instant …who would’ve thought.

I call her but it doesn’t go through , my mind goes quiet and everything around me sounds faint. Thinking of the possibility of never seeing her eyes again, her soft touch, listening to her girl stories and being HERS!

I wake up in the morning , hot breathe. I grunt and sit up ,grab my phone and check to see if she reached out.

My ego won …my wrath sealed the deal.

I was once anointed ,covered in love , heard ,understood…everything I write about came to life but my past couldn’t let it live

Her sweet aroma , soft lips and the way she thinks.

The way she would walk swiftly and catch the attention of people around her.

“Ukona mali safi ndugu,eiiii” the boda boda operator shouts from a distant…she doesn’t feel uncomfortable nor complains ,she feels secure next to me…she holds my hand I walk with my head high

“Wow ,she is so beautiful ,my brother you are a lucky man” a drunk man tells me as we sit outside chatting .

She’s grounded and when the compliments came she’d give a light thank you and I remind her how beautiful she is that even the world can see it. She deserved her flowers.

Her curves were deeply feminine , the gentle rise and fall. A body made to be admired

The way she feels soft and powerful.

Her hard work and commitment when it came to taking care of those around her . She’s a first born daughter and I’m a first born son. I saw parts of me in her and she opened her heart and let me come in.

I couldn’t look at her with lust.

I wanted to be the richest man in the world. I wanted to be the most grounded ,focused and intelligent man just so I can reach to a small fraction of the gift Mother Nature gave me.

Her kindness to others , her drunk friends needed help and she’d gather all her strength to make sure thy are okay…

Her ability to easily socialize with new people , I hear comments from people around of her great personality and caring nature. A glimpse of her confidence and personality

Her flaws didn’t scare me, her imperfections made her perfect in my eyes.

“User busy” as I try call her for the 10th time.

She was in the wrong , apologies came but our insecurities prevailed.

My wrath was so much ,her heart couldn’t handle it but I’m now seeing ALL ALONG she was trying , I was trying.

Loving someone isn’t hard , loving them without bleeding on them is.

https://youtu.be/gW0WgDsWE2s?si=5ypLxzsqori52IeM

Sending love from my corner of the 🌍

~Jeremiah Muiru