Little man…

I wish I could sit you down ,look you in your eyes and tell you the world wouldn’t break you.

I’D BE LYING

Your chest was light.A child’s heart.You moved through life with innocence , a belief that pain was something spiritual and necessary for breakthrough. You think heartbreak is dramatic, sadness is temporary and heaviness is something you’d be able to outrun.

Now you carry heaviness in every room. You smoke and blow out your frustration, pretending the burning in your lungs feels better than the burning in your chest. You couldn’t outrun the pain but you found warmth in the substances you swore to avoid.

You walked with your head high knowing God would always come to your rescue. You devoted your life to Him and gave him your spirit.Even when your faith was fragile , you whispered the Lord’s Prayer cause of the comfort that came with it.

Now you can’t even bring yourself to face Him. Resentment runs through your veins. You question how love can be so divine yet so devastating. You look Mom in the eye and tell her “God abandoned us” and leave her crying in her room.

Your eyes used to glow every morning; like sunlight touching water. A new opportunity to live life to the fullest. A new day to see the gift they call life. You didn’t know what true pain tasted like. Wrapped in innocence and a mother’s prayers.

Your eyes now wake with anger, frustration that you get to live another day in this world. Grunting while you get out of bed. You fill your mind with positive quotes and affirmations to drown the sadness in your heart yet they spill through the cracks.

You used to go visit grandpa on Sunday’s. He used to tell you His stories in kikuyu. Words you never understood but love you felt so deeply . You’d sit next to him and he’d pat your head and when you try leave he’d ask for you to come back and stay longer.

You stopped visiting. He’d ask why you don’t visit anymore. You’d prefer to go hangout with your friends. Laughter over wisdom ,freedom over his presence.It broke His heart but you didn’t really realize at the time.He’s not there anymore. You missed the funeral. You watched Mom break down on a YouTube live. You were in Greece trying to survive in a world that felt so heavy. Now you can’t even visit His grave.

You used to dream like the sky had no limit , you believed hardwork could never go undone. You chased your dreams like they were written in your blood. You refused to settle for the little things. You never let anything dim the light in your eyes.

They turned your dream into a nightmare. They spat on your ambition and rubbed their muddy shoes on your hopes. They took pleasure in your suffering and mock you

A heart full of love and kindness. Joy that couldn’t be measured. The world hadn’t gotten a chance to crack you yet. You’d sleep better, dream of beautiful and childish things.

Now you curl up in your bed. Turn to your right and break down. You bite your pillow so mom can’t hear you. You always swore to never cause her pain. So far so good.

You feel so deeply now , it’s a blessing but a curse.

You lost so many friends but gained new ones. Not a day goes by you don’t think of them…the laughs ,silly jokes and all that… they barely talk to you anymore or at all.

You miss being in the embrace of God , you used to feel like His favorite, His champion and now He feels like a distant memory. A part of you that died and refuses to be buried but Ali resists coming back to life. Your bible is dusty but mom keeps it close to her cause she doesn’t want to let go of that version of you.

She still prays every night. For you and for others. Her kind heart still remains active to this day. Her compassion for others still stands and her belief that you’ll become more than you know is what anchors you.

Don’t worry you’re are still a good person to others. Well ,depends. You still see the good in others and try to show them the light in them when they can’t see it.

You still carry the same resilience you’ve always had. Thats what growing up early gifted you. The hard times broke you but they carved you into the man you are.

You carry memories like the ocean carries broken ships ; silent , buried but never gone.

You replay these memories like a film every night before bed. You will hear their voice when the room is silent. You will feel their absence in the way the space besides you feels colder.

You look in the mirror and not recognize yourself anymore and it tears you apart.

Your smile is something that was so special and natural. White and glowed any moment you saw an opportunity to do something you like.

Now it’s practiced ,careful, something worn instead of worn naturally.

Despite all this ,you push on

All you have now is HOPE.

Hope that one day you will look back with gratitude instead of spite.

Hope that the pressure turned you into a diamond

Hope that the pain had meaning and wasn’t just pointless

Hope that the hardship shaped you , softened you and taught you what it meant to truly feel

Hope that tomorrow is the day your heart rests

Hope that your tears helped you swim to your dreams

Hope that you will find your will to live fully again

Hope that you can be Mom’s one answered prayer

Hope that you can become who you promised yourself to become.🍀

~Your older self.

Sending love from my corner of the world❤️🌍

~Jeremiah Muiru